Monday, 18 February 2013

Ride all about it

This evening, as my colleagues and I at the market research centre were exchanging farewells and plans for the week ahead, it transpired that one of said colleagues was bound for Harry Potter World, (or words to that effect).  Speculating about the nature of this phenomenon led me to consider whether there exists a yawning gap in the culture market, namely adventure park scenarios based on the works of other popular artistes in the literary sphere.  I hereby waggle my digital tendrils in the direction of any well-financed visionary who could support me in launching such facilities, including:


Recreate the feeling of implacable Fate driving you and your hopes to a tragic conclusion! 

On entering The Journey, you will be presented with, and ignore, a series of symbolic but reasonably transparent warnings regarding the awfulness that is to come. After a few bucolic interludes, during which highly convincing encounters with our team of Enactors lead you to lament the erosion of rural pastimes and values, you will be ushered towards a dire and irrevocable demise.  A small additional tariff enables you to compose and leave a pithily-worded note for those who survive you.

Note to investors: some Health and Safety issues to be firmed up here.


Thrill to the literal highs and lows of the Victorian virtuoso tugger of heartstrings!

A unique, linked series of rides, in each of which you are accompanied by an entirely convincing Boznian. The first character you encounter will, while feigning friendliness and goodwill towards you, denude you of all your wealth and possessions.  The next few sections see you accompanied by members of an unfeasibly large and charmingly impoverished family, who will cause you to learn that the indomitable human spirit is worth more than gold can purchase. The climactic section brings you into surprising contact with the formerly unknown twin brother of the first character, who also happens to be, simultaneously, your third cousin and your mother's former wet-nurse, now risen to wealth and prominence.  Our customised and unique Incredulity Dampeners (patent pending) will allow you to regard the entire episode as not only plausible but practically inevitable.  Your wealth and position restored, you march off into a glowing future, blissfully discarding all that guff about the nobility of honest poverty.

Note to investors: if genuine wealth is deployed, may not be an entirely cost-effective business model


Dare you attempt to solve the secret code?

In our most enigmatic Literature Experience, you stand before an awesome labyrinth, whose complexity dwarfs that of any similar construction ever devised by the fiendish wit of humankind.  At the tantalisingly inaccessible core of this device there may lie a secret so dark and festering that its exposure will wreak catastrophic emotional damage. Fortunately, the instructions for entering the Maze are written in such a tangle of page-long sub-sub-ordinate clauses that you surrender the attempt and return home.

Note to investors: may not attract a high revisit rate.

I await the call of dragons.

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